Alright, Let's Start Talking

So I've finally begun mastering the art of getting the teenagers at the hospital to feel comfortable talking to me about their deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings. It's all about making connections. I sat down the other day with a 12 year old girl and all I had to do to get her to open up was to ask her what her opinion on the Hunger Games is. Previous to that question, she gave me short, quiet answers. But young adult novels? She could talk endlessly about them. And fortunately for me, I shamelessly read books that are aimed towards 12-17 year olds.

This particular 12 year old attempted suicide. She stole a jar of medication and hoped it would be enough to take her life. Sometimes it's hard to remember what it's like to be 12 years old. But here's what I do remember. Everything is confusing. You don't recognize yourself in the mirror. It's close to impossible to think about what you want for lunch, much less what you want for your future. Relationships seem to lack meaning. Sometimes life lacks meaning. I felt all of these things at 12. But I never once considering taking my own life. Now that doesn't mean I'm any better than this girl. It just means that we are wired a little differently. In addition to the fact that I had an unusually healthy childhood. Always got rewards when I got A's in school. Always had someone to kiss me goodnight. Who's to say what I would've done had I lived the life of this young girl and felt everything she's felt.

Yet when I saw her face when I brought up her favorite hobby, I saw an individual with great potential and joy. She immediately became beautiful when she spoke about the things she loves. She may not recognize this about herself, but it was obvious to me. I could see her as a teacher. As a mother. I could see her coming into the woman she's always hoped to be.

Nobody ever seems to want to talk about suicide, yet it has touched almost every single person in this country, whether directly or indirectly. What are we so afraid of? What can I do to show this sweet 12 year old who is so full of energy and life that her presence in this world has meaning? Well I guess it's all a part of my journey as a counselor, but more importantly as a human. Who knows if I'll ever truly figure it out. But one thing is for sure. We need to start talking. We need to stop brushing things under the rug. We need to stop assuming others can deal with their stresses alone. We need to help others and do it free from judgement. Then maybe we would have a chance to save us from ourselves.

The Tremendous Weight of Step One

What do you think of when you see this picture? Well, here are my immediate thoughts. 1 - This is absolutely gorgeous and communicates a sense of freedom that is rare to ever truly experience. 2 - This person is INSANE. That water is dark so you have no idea how deep it is or what slimy, dangerous monsters lurk beneath. There is white water so there could be a strong tide and there are also rocks and well....that just adds about 100 more ways this situation could end badly.

As I've been learning about the nature of addiction from working in substance abuse treatment, I have been greatly familiarized with the 12 steps. According to this program, you must work through these steps and fully commit to incorporating them to all aspects of your life. And the first step is the big daddy.

1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

It's the giant cliff over uncharted water and I'm the person encouraging you to make the plunge. How easy it is to say, "not today" or "I'll get to it tomorrow." How often do we as humans take the easy way out? I know I personally do it all the time. Sometimes we aren't ready to commit to a change and must stand on that ledge many times before acting. Working these steps involves hard work, motivation, and of course going to meetings. Once I developed a better understanding of this, I saw my IOP patients in an entirely different light. They were given the chance to jump off a cliff in order to commit to sobriety and they actually did it. The first step is always the most terrifying. Accepting that alcohol or whatever your vice is has taken control of your life. We all know how much humility is needed to admit our weaknesses and ask for help.

I personally have never suffered from addiction and for this reason I sometimes feel incompetent to help others. But I'm an intern, I'm going to make mistakes, but I will put my whole heart into my work. This is my opportunity to learn from these individuals. They stepped off the cliff and trusted that whatever rocks, rapids, and monsters that came below were simply obstacles...surmountable roadblocks they must overcome in order to enjoy a sober life. So I think its pretty safe to say that next time I find myself on the edge of one of these cliffs, I will think twice about taking the easy way out. Thanks to all you brave souls who have plunged into the unknown of treatment despite a multitude of fears and hesitations. We could all learn a thing or two from you.

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/smf-121_en.pdf - Full Twelve Steps

The Most Dreaded Question

If you have ever uttered the words "What am I doing with my life?" either to yourself or to any human being in your vicinity, then we can be friends. My name is Sara, I love having my future planned, and I am the ultimate creature of habit. However, on May 2nd 2015 I will be graduating from FSU with my master's degree in mental health counseling. And guess what? For once in my life I am entirely unaware of what step comes next. What will I do on May 3rd? L-O-L Well, I'm currently an intern working with substance abuse and I often use the phrase "one day at a time." Today I am a student and I will put my heart into my day's work...But then I will secretly go home, continue to freak out about my future, and cope through binge watching Netflix and eating chocolate. Remember to do as I say, not as I do.

I created this blog as an assignment for class, but I have a love for spewing my crazy thoughts so this will be easy. As a future counseling graduate, I can say with certainty that this field is incredibly broad and filled with so many opportunities. So these posts will be full of resources related to the field and particularly my experiences working in substance abuse. Also, you'll become accustomed to my awkward ramblings and unique commentary of the world around me.

All in all, someday I hope to be a therapist who is able to motivate clients to find what is remarkable and special about who they are. I am a firm believer that people don't remember what you say, how you dress, how physically attractive you are, but they do remember you made them feel. Well, I want to make people feel important and counseling is the avenue I have chosen to do so. Getting paid to make people feel good seems like a pretty sweet deal (if only I hadn't racked up such a horrifyingly steep debt of student loans along the way). Don't get me wrong, I still go to work and feel like I have no idea what I'm actually doing and sometimes feel incompetent. In fact I quite often feel like the dog in the picture above. But life is a journey...so I'm here for the ride.