"Assertiveness is an important way to verbally express how others' actions affect how you feel in a firm and clear, yet gentle and kind way."
What I'm Thinking:
"Okay, cool. I'm gonna teach a group of people how to be assertive while I still can't figure out how to do this properly in my own life."
Wha'ts the best kept secret of all therapists? We are way more like you than it may seem. I, for example, am trained to teach assertiveness training to a group of individuals in recovery from substance abuse. Yet ironically enough I constantly struggle with implementing assertiveness. Each semester of internship we have to make a list of goals for our own personal progress in counseling and EVERY semester assertiveness has been numero uno on my list. I hope revealing this to the world doesn't take away from my credibility. Oh well. Although I can say assertiveness has been researched thoroughly and proven to be a highly highly effective communication skill for healthy relationships. So here's the point - you don't have to feel bad for struggling with depression or social anxiety or assertiveness because chances are your counselor can relate even just a little bit.
So what's so difficult about this assertiveness nonsense? Well LET me tell you. Assertiveness is a way to communicate our thoughts, beliefs,
opinions and emotions in a positive confident, yet kind way - being neither
passive nor aggressive. And I have always had trouble saying no to people. Wanna hang out friday? Yes! Can you lend me two bucks? Yes! Can you bake cookies for my party? Yes! Will you wash my car then clean my toilet then do my dishes? SURE THING. Just kidding, I would totally say no to that last one. But I'm always afraid of being too aggressive when I say no. So I usually remedy that fear by saying yes instead. But this isn't effective communication. And more importantly for my patients struggling with addiction, this could be detrimental to their recovery! Let's say you are a recovering alcoholic and you get invited to a family get together and big surprise, everybody is drinking and offering you some. How do you say no without sounding like a jerk or having to explain your recovery to someone who doesn't understand? Well...assertiveness exists on a scale smack dab in the middle of passiveness and aggressiveness.
Passivity---------------------Assertion-----------------------Aggression
Passivity usually involves not thinking or acknowledging how you feel or what you are experiencing. So when I say yes to everyone even though I'm stretching myself too thin, I'm probably being too passive. I'm exhausted and I can't do everything! Aggression is essentially the opposite. An individual being aggressive would say no to the drink at the family gathering in addition to using a wide variety of colorful language that may be harmful to relationships. Now, just because you may be too passive or too aggressive doesn't take away from the quality of your character. It just means that you struggle just like me! So how do we be assertive?
1) Think and notice how others actions affect your feelings and experiences. Similarly, think about how your actions and words affect the feelings of others.
2) Use "I" statements
3) Approach difficult situations by saying "what you did or say made me feel _____."
4) Be kind yet firm in your language
Ok so like I've said before, easier said than done. But it's good to have an awareness of how we struggle and how we can improve ourself! For example, I have a tendency to be passive and could benefit from working on number 3 for realzies. So I promise you the more I explain to you about how to implement assertiveness in your relationships, the more I slowly figure out how to be assertive myself. We can do this together, y'all.
Here's a link to a webpage with specifics about assertiveness particularly in addiction recovery:
http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/assertiveness-in-recovery/
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